Proverbs 16:32

Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.

Ha! Take that, stupid male stereotypes!

Another update to the max!

So this past season has been very hard for me, when it comes to keeping my heart open before God.  I've been so apathetic, slinking away from anything that might cause me to feel any sort of rush of emotion.  The theme of youth ministry these past couple of months has been about purpose.  Quite honestly, I couldn't think of anything I could care less about lately.  But the questions of who am I, and how much do I mean to God, and what is God like, keep gnawing at the back of my  mind, and I can't seem to get away from them.  It's just been so frustrating when it comes to setting up times to be alone with God.  Most of the time I either fall asleep, or labor to picture God as any kind of significant figure in my life.  For the most part, I find myself just generally angry that I even have to labor to feel close to God?  Why does it seem so hard, and why does it have to rest on me?  I know God's always there, and that He is more good and holy that I could ever fathom, but I usually don't see it that way.  I usually feel alone and left to be tossed back and forth by the natural turbulence of life.  The good thing about this past season, is that I feel more honest with God, and more aware of my own skewed perspective of God and the way He views me.  My heart hasn't caught up to the truth just yet, but at least I can put my finger on some things I genuinely struggle with when it comes to furthering my relationship with God.  I know it all comes down to faith, but it feels like I've had one foot out side the door this entire time, ready to bolt any second it looks like this whole "Christianity thing" is going down.  I want to stay.  I want to trust.  I want to hope and believe in a God that altogether loving, and has nothing but good intentions for every one of us.  Before I wrote this, I was going through all the nagging doubts that have been running through my mind lately about God and life, and just feeling frustrated about how do we ever really know what's from God, and blah blah blah.  All of sudden, in my head I just heard the reference Isaiah 33:17.  At first, I didn't even want to look it up, because I was like, oh it probably says "Then the high priest doth milketh the cow.", or something stupid like that.  But after reading through it, I found myself welling up with tears.  It kind of took me by suprise, so I thought I'd just type up these few verses for other people to read.

Isaiah 33:17-24

Your eyes will see the king in his beauty and view a land that stretches afar.  In your thoughts you will ponder the former terror:  "Where is that chief officer?  Where is the one who took the revenue?  Where is the officer in charge of the towers?"  You will see those arrogant people no more, those people of an obscure speech, with their strange, incomprehensible tongue.  Look upon Zion, the city of our festivals; your eyes will see Jerusalem, a peaceful abode, a tent that will not be moved; its stakes will never be pulled up, nor any of its ropes broken.  There the Lord will be our Mighty One.  it will be like a place of broad rivers and streams.  No galley with oars will ride them, no mighty ship will sail them.  For the Lord is our judge, the Lord is our lawgiver, the Lord is our king; it is he who will save us.  Your rigging hangs loose:  The mast is not held secure, the sail is not spread.  Then an abundance of spoils will be divided and even the lame will carry off plunder.  No one living in Zion will say, "I am ill"; and the sins of those who dwell there will be forgiven.

Lord, help me change the way I view you.  Help me navigate through the questions and doubts in my mind with humility and faith.  Help me see personal time with you as just an opportunity to tap into something more real than anything else I encounter in a day, instead of an obligation or duty.  Fill the lonely gaps for me, and purge any bitterness and pride still lodged in my heart that might interfere with the truth of who You are.  I ask for an awakening of hearts, and a newfound hope for all of us.  Give us the gift of self-discernment to filter through all the lies that try to take away what You have for us.  I pray that this next season would abound in grace and freedom, and that there'd be true victory gained in our lives and hearts.

Wow, I was just going through all of my old posts.  I'm so glad I have a space where I could post my silly musings.  It's like I'm reading someone else's life.  I used the word "frenetic" in one of my posts, and I'm not even exactly sure what that word means!  Oh well.  Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who's posted on my site.  It really means alot to me.  I totally suck about posting on other people's blogs.  Maybe I should make that my New Years' resolution.  Besides my long-lost dream of being the best lute player in the world!

There's a knocking at the door...

I'm not interested in what you have for me.  I thought I was.  I had saved my money, just for this moment when you'd come around the corner peddling your wares.  I remember the excitement that would come over me when someone would announce you're on your way.  How I'd listen for the slight creaking of the wheels when your carriage would come bounding down the path.  It was the thing that kept me going.  "What would he bring me this time?", "What little gadget will he show me this time to make life a little easier?",  "What new things await me this next visit?".  But this time around the winter was a little too long, your visits too infrequent.  The items you have for sale are too complicated, too difficult to use on a day to day basis.  I used to fall for it, hook, line, and sinker.  It was something about the twinkle in your eye when you talked about it, and the promises and guarantees associated with everything you had, that made me just have to give up everything I had to get a hold of it.  Now there's no energy there to hear your pleas.  These old ghosts are haunting me again at night, and my heart just screams, "No more!".  "Don't sell your goods here, there's no place for them!  My heart's too weary; I can't take it!"  Don't ask me to hope again; don't ask me to get excited again.  There's too many things left unreconciled.  I just want answers; I just need answers.  Don't leave for the next town; please stay with me, this dark night.  Wait until the sun rises, when all my tears have been shed, and the ghosts are far behind me.  Help me work until the harvest is done, not just until the next time you come around.  Stay with me for the long and hard, until all my worries are put to rest, and Hope is all that can be seen on the horizon.  Just stay with me...